For 32 years, Dorothy Phillips happily taught home economics at Putnam West City High School, in the heart of Oklahoma City. But when the time came to retire in 2001, she wasn’t ready for the way it changed her life.
“I missed the kiddos,” she said. “I missed being in a school, and knew I had to do something about it.”
That something turned out to be going back to work. She became a substitute teacher—for 17 more years.
That was one of several emotional transitions that Phillips and her husband would face in the years that followed.
Phillips did eventually retire and move into a retirement community. Then the pandemic arrived, and the couple faced a year of isolation.
“We lost our important connections during COVID. I didn’t see one grandchild until he was one. It broke my heart,” she says.
Phillips’ daughter, Katherine Bishop, who is a special needs educator focusing on emotional disturbance, says, “I talked to [my mom] … each time another change occurred, and she understood and managed the emotions that arose.” Her mother acknowledged the loneliness, frustration, and worry that came with these changes and talked about her feelings.
This skill, called emotional intelligence (EI) or emotional quotient (EQ)—is especially important for our well-being in later years, Bishop says.
Practice what you teach.
Educators know the value of social and emotional learning (SEL) for their students, but they may forget that it’s just as essential for adults, says Bishop, who is president of the Oklahoma Education Association.
In fact, guidance from the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL)—often used in classrooms—is useful for adults, too.
CASEL identifies five key SEL competencies: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship management, and responsible decision-making. (Learn more about SEL on Page 44.)
These same qualities are at the core of EI and can reap tremendous rewards, says Robert Levenson, a psychology professor at the University of California, Berkeley.
Levenson’s extensive research has connected EI to everything from increased executive function to greater wealth and educational attainment and, importantly, to more emotional comfort in later years. Other experts say improving EI can boost physical health and help fight depression, anxiety, and stress.
“We tend to ignore difficult emotions and try to recreate good ones. We should pay attention to them all. Emotions tell us something that we should use to implement actions and change behavior.”
—Iraida Delhom Peris, Valencia International University, Spain
“Some aspects of emotional health may heighten as we age—particularly how we interpret events,” Levenson says. His research shows that as people age, changes in the brain may allow for greater empathy and the ability to look at problems more objectively.
He adds that building these skills can be a lifelong growth experience, but the payoffs can be life-altering. Here are five ways to fine-tune your emotional intelligence:
Pay attention to your emotional responses.
Notice what’s causing you to feel or act a certain way, says Iraida Delhom Peris, of Spain’s Valencia International University. Peris’ research shows that heightened EI helps us become more resilient and satisfied as we age.
So when you feel road rage (and who doesn’t?), or a family member does something hurtful, pay close attention to what triggers your emotions. You can even notice your responses to scenes in movies or books. During difficult times, journaling about your feelings can be especially helpful, Peris adds.
“We tend to ignore difficult emotions and try to recreate good ones. We should pay attention to them all,” Peris says. “Emotions tell us something that we should use to implement actions and change behavior.”
Work on self-management.
Practice being flexible and adaptive. Try not to let emotions derail you in the face of frustrations, such as unresolved medical issues and financial concerns.
Set goals and be persistent in completing even unpleasant tasks, like that overdue checkup or a necessary chat with a surly neighbor.
Getting enough sleep and exercise can also help make you less reactive. And never underestimate the power of simply pausing for a few breaths before you speak.
Be empathetic.
Social awareness is a key ingredient in emotional intelligence, Levenson says.
Focus on reading cues and learning how others are thinking and feeling. Practice active listening, and try to keep an open mind.
Nurture relationships.
Understanding and managing emotions allows us to handle relationships better.
When you have strong emotions about another person without a clear reason, pause and consider your response or any biases you may have. That process can be refreshing, experts say, and can change important relationships.
In social interactions, emotionally intelligent people are empathetic, which makes others feel comfortable and understood. That helps foster forgiveness.
Make decisions responsibly.
Emotionally intelligent people also make caring and constructive choices. When talking with a relative or neighbor about a concerning situation or behavior, for example, think through the ramifications.
Consider the best approach and timing rather than reacting quickly in anger or frustration. Emotionally intelligent people promote solutions, rather than piling on with more complaints.
Just remember, it’s OK to maintain your position and hold onto important feelings, as long as you communicate about them openly.
Learn More
Social and emotional learning isn’t only for students. Find guidance from the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning.
