When Retirement Means Caring for Your Parents

“He often worked 12–16 hours a day, 6–7 days a week. So when he was home, he was mostly exhausted and did not have time for five children,” says Aslakson, a retired computer literacy teacher.

“I was the oldest and was never really close to him. But … I’ve realized that he has a very good sense of humor. I’ve really gotten to know him much better, and I have come to be very protective of him,” shares Aslakson, who lives in Ludington, Mich., a short distance from her father’s apartment in an independent living community. “I’m so glad that I have gotten to see him in a different way.”

She takes her father on weekly shopping trips and to doctor appointments. She fills his pill containers and makes sure he is taking his daily medications. And she just sits with him to keep him company. 

Aslakson’s experience is familiar to many retired people today. About 20 million adult children are caring for a parent or in-law, according to Frances Hall, executive director of Adult Children of Aging Parents. And that number is increasing rapidly, according to AARP.

“Parents are living longer–perhaps even long enough that people helping a parent are simultaneously caring for a spouse,” says Kate Granigan, president of the Aging Life Care Association. 

“It can be a challenging, frustrating, and confusing time—and more people are facing it.” 

While the burden of caregiving should not be shouldered by one person, that is usually what ends up happening. And educators may be more inclined to step into that roll. 

“[Educators] have a lot of energy, often have a ‘get it done’ attitude,” Granigan explains. “And they have been in a type of caregiver role as an educator, so they are perhaps more likely to take on a big part of this job.”

“[Being a caregiver] provides time to know a parent better as a person … and to give back to them for the care [they] provided.”

—Frances Hall, executive director, Adult Children of Aging Parents

The tasks required may seem overwhelming. 

“It can involve interpreting medical advice and test results, helping loved ones stay engaged physically and emotionally, managing financial affairs, preparing meals, or taking care of housekeeping—and constantly being on alert for when the next shoe is going to drop,” Granigan says, acknowledging that this uncertainty creates anxiety. “Many people in these roles don’t see themselves as caregivers, but they are.”

She points out that families often don’t anticipate or identify future needs early enough and stumble into the role through “caregiver creep.” What begins as an occasional visit or a few rides to the doctor becomes much more responsibility. 

Families should determine caregiving responsibilities early and distribute them fairly, Granigan advises. 

“All it takes is one fall, one accident, or one diagnosis to send everything into a tailspin and turn a family’s world upside down,” Hall says. “Sometimes critical decisions must be made quickly. Families should do their homework before it is an emergency.”

 She adds, “There is something every member can do, regardless of where they live or their circumstances. Caregiving for a parent should be a family effort.”

When a family shares the responsibility and has healthy communication about plans, she explains, it can bring members together and heighten their care and compassion for each other and the older person alike.

Caregiving can be a healing process

Research shows that people who take care of their aging parents overwhelmingly believe the caregiving journey is worth the difficulties, Hall says. 

“[Being a caregiver] provides time to know a parent better as a person … and to give back to them for the care [they] provided,” she explains. “It can allow time for old wounds to be healed and give some caregivers an important sense of purpose.”

Retired teacher Judy Hinsley’s mother lived with her for more than seven years at her home in Saint Charles, Mo., before eventually moving into assisted living. 

“It was very valuable to me to help my mother,” says the former elementary school educator, whose mother diedin 1990. “I was there every day. I got involved with the facility and helped with things like bingo nights and other events. I felt good about how I had that time with her.”

After Hinsley’s husband died, in 1990, she also cared for her mother-in-law, until her death in 2017.

Hinsley’s oldest son, Greg, helped with both of his grandmothers—an experience that Hinsley feels was enriching for him. It gave him the chance to know his grandparents better and learn more about their generation, she says. 

The shared experience strengthened Judy’s relationship with her son as well.     

The time with her mother and mother-in-law was often challenging and draining, but she has no regrets.

“It was probably inevitable for me to be the primary caregiver, and I’m glad it turned out that way,” she shares.

Seeing your family in new ways

“I was so happy to have my family around, so we could all say goodbye when my mother died,” says Georgia Association of Educators-Retired President Toni Smith, who cared for her mother and a disabled sister while also helping with grandchildren near her home, in Covington, Ga.

Smith helped her mother and sister with groceries, doctor appointments, medications, and meals, and often just read the newspaper to her mother each day. Simple routines like this, Hall says, can be the most memorable.

“I really enjoyed time with both of them, but honestly, I don’t know how I did it,” Smith says. “I have to say, it wore me down.”

As Smith’s children stepped in to help, she began to see them in a different light. Even her grandson, who was only 3 years old at the time, seemed to understand that Smith’s autistic sister was struggling. Her grandson connected with her sister by touching her hand—something she would allow no one else to do.

“There were a lot of good moments like that. My daughter was such a big help, and she reminded me that I was only human and that my mother knew I loved her. That was a nice sentiment that touched all three of us.”